


I thought you were my past, so why does it hurt like this?

by SayYoullBeMyNightingale (SimplyBeckyyy)



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/M, Justice for Jac Naylor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 17:55:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20568473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyBeckyyy/pseuds/SayYoullBeMyNightingale
Summary: Joseph gets to see Jac leave, and he's the one left feeling all the things.This is my attempt at making her have a moment of happiness or at least an aspect of controlling her heartbreak, whilst not messing with canon and having them just be together.





	I thought you were my past, so why does it hurt like this?

**Author's Note:**

> Justice for Jac Naylor, like seriously as much as I adore the JacJoe dynamic and think Rosie and Luke have incredible screen chemistry - when are they ever going to let her be happy?
> 
> Everything that happened in the episode stands true, bar her leaving and crying in the car park - when Joseph went to find Jac in her office, she was just elsewhere in the hospital, not gone.

Faye's room, Holby City.

Joseph feels nothing, just drained of all emotions. There has been panic, hurt, love, hate, confusion, bitterness, sadness, relief, at various stages repeated, churning through him in the space of 18 hours, and now, just nothing. 

"It's odd" - the silence broken, by the blonde in the bed resting, stroking his son, well her son too's hair as he slept. "What is?" Joseph replied, only somewhat committed to the conversation, half paying attention to the staff moving outside the room and the surname Naylor ringing through his ears.  
"Being back here" he turned to look her way, "so much has changed, but here feels like..."  
"It's different but still the same" he finished her sentence. Although his pulse flickers thinking about earlier with Jac, somethings have changed, but others definitely haven't. Back with her, in her room, he felt both young and old, and hopeful and tired and wasn't that the way it always was with her he supposes. All of the things, nothing ever simple.

His thoughts were broken again by Nicky and Fletch coming in. "More poking and producing?" Faye grumbled, but smiled, she was thankful for their treatment he knew, she just wasn't the best at showing it. " 'Fraid so." Fletch grinned as he spotted Harry sleeping across the bed, head on a pillow tucked under Faye's arms. "It's been a long day, think he's just one step ahead of us" Joseph just nodded. The longest day it felt like.  
"Well everything's looking great" Nicky chimed in as she jotted some stats down "And everything's good for the transfer to St James in the morning, I just need to get Ms Naylor to do one more sign off".  
"Give her a page, she's about" Fletch said as he moved around Faye's bed, to add his signature to the form. "I thought.." Joseph cleared his throat, as Faye raised an eyebrow "I presumed she was done for the day?" Fletch shook his head. "Nah clock off's not for another..." Checking his watch "oooh twenty minutes. She'll be in the wet lab I reckon" He turned to Nicky. "Come find me if not, Sacha can clear the paperwork off if needs must". The young doctor nodded in response before freezing slightly.  
"Ooh speak of the devil, heard her before ya saw her" Fletch laughed, as the clip clip of heels could begin to be heard walking down the corridor.

"Madini. You have me for five minutes." Came the familiar voice, one he hasn't heard in person for years but could pick out of a crowd he was sure. "Five? Okay, doesn't give me long but I can get the job done" came the obvious response as the two of them came into view. The redhead stayed silent and just raised one eyebrow. "Or not, okay. I need a signature on Mrs Marcel's discharge and I'll follow it up, you to look at Mr Robertss scans and I think Nicky was looking for you for..."  
"Cruella's discharge. Yeah, got it, not for getting that one. That it?" The male doctor nodded, silently aware she was giving off a shut the hell up + leave me alone vibe, stronger than normal.

Nicky stepped outside Faye's room, followed by Fletch and then Joseph himself. "Joseph?" came from the bed, but it was like he didn't ever hear her.  
The conversation between he and Jac earlier left nothing else to be said, but yet he couldn't yet contemplate that this was the end. Again. That she was going to just walk away, that her loving him, her still having such a piece of his heart, was just nothing.

"Paper work? The esteemed consultant said to the F1, holding her hand out for it without looking up, aware that Joseph was there without even needing to see or acknowledge him. Nicky rattled off the updates about Faye and the details of her transfer, all things Joseph knew he needed to remember but it all seemed like white noise whirring. Jac already in her home clothes, hair now thrown up, scribbling her signature across the forms, very much professional still, but very much done. "We done here?" She said, finally looking up and catching his gaze before looking away sharply to Nicky. "Yes I think so" she responded, as joseph's heart was squeezing to the beat of "no not done no, no".

"Jac?" He said, as did Fletch, causing both men to look to each other as Jac froze. Ah.  
"Mummmmmmmmmmmmmy"  
Oh Emma. This is Emma. Joseph tried to take in this little girl that he's never met and would never admit but he has dreamed of. A Little girl, a carbon copy of her Mother, even more so than in the photo he'd seen.  
The mini Naylor threw her arms around her Mother's legs and started talking a mile a second about the storm, and her daddy, and brownies?  
"Emma? What on Earth are you doing here?" Jac bent down, tense with her daughter but Joseph caught her hair brushing down Emma's back as she kept.  
"I'm so sorry to just turn up like this but with the storm Emma was upset and..." "I wasn't asking you" came the blunt reply, as Joseph realised the mini hurricane that was Emma has arrived with another woman. A very pregnant woman. Oh. Jac turned to face her daughter, deliberately angling her away from Joseph.

"When it storms we have brownies, The Wizard Of Oz and hot chocolate with cream annnnd cinnamon." The young child rambled as everyone looked on. "Daddy gave me ribena! And a biscuit!" The scorn was evident in the girl's voice, a mini Naylor indeed. "Daddy gave you a biscuit so you went out in the storm because?" Jac added raising an eyebrow at her daughter. "Because I wanted you." That simple it was to Emma, how Joseph wishes it was that simple as an adult in real life. That wanting someone, loving someone, was enough.

Jac sighed, but Joseph caught the look on her face. He can't read her that well, has never really been able to but there are moments he can and he can now. That? That was happy Jac, soft Jac, it's not a look he saw often but it was one he adored. Mummy Jac must be oh so wonderful to witness.

"You can go then, I've got her" Jac spoke, without even looking at Emma's step-mother, who just mumbled and rushed forward to kiss Emma goodbye. Another person clearly terrified of the redhead, she's not changed that much then. "Drive safe" she added, a softer tone this time.

"So brownies then?" Fletch's voice broke the awkwardness as he glanced knowingly at Joseph. He didn't care what that look was for or what the man thought he knew. "Yes! And hot chocolate! It's the rule Mummy said" "well Mummy knows best" Fletch teased back as the little girl span to talk to him as Jac stood back to her full height. He caught a glimpse of Emma's face, a miniature copy of her mother, a happier innocent child-like Jac. Joseph knew coming back to Holby would have his challenges, but he wasn't expecting seeing Emma to make his heart catch the way it has.  
"I'm off duty as of now. Page me if you need me." Jac turned her head towards Madini "but don't page you unless it's an emergency on fear of death" he finished with a grin. "Something like that" she responded.

"Emma?" She called to get her daughter's attention, before her head whipped over to Joseph. Oh I had just called out for Jac again. Now he had two Naylors turn to face him. He supposes he took too long to speak, his gaze tracing over both of their feature's because Jac's voice broke through the silence. "Everything looks good with her, she'll be fine." That's not what I called to you for, he opened his mouth to say but she carried on. "The paperwork is signed off, barring complications the transfer to St James will be in the morning. And then" she took a deep breath "you can go and never have to come back."  
"Jac..." Fletch's voice came, both as a warning and a tinge of concern. Joseph didn't know what for, Jac would be fine, she always is, doesn't he understand coming back here has been hard for Joseph?

But Jac kept direct eye contact with Joseph, waiting for him to speak up, but what could he say really? He just wasn't ready for seeing her to be done and her be back in his past again. She kept the gaze with him until... "Mummy?" She broke the gaze. Emma. Just like Harry took his attention from Jac, he had to of course, his son came first. And he thought Jac had understood, at least on some level. And now? Emma comes first. Before the hospital even, if what Joseph heard getting coffee earlier was true. Jac's number one wasn't her surgery, her ambition or even herself anymore. It was her daughter. And it's like she's living the life Joseph wanted her to be living all along, but he's just not part of it. He can't be. And that's his choice, she gave him the chance to change that earlier he knows even on a unsaid level, but it is what it is. His choice and one he had thought he was okay with, so why does it feel like this?

"You ready to go?" Jac spoke to her daughter, as her mini me nodded happily. "I'll even share my blanket this time Mummy" as Jac bent to pick her daughter up "oooft. I don't think we need anymore brownies" she teased Emma and Emma just laughed in response "Uncle Sacha says one is never enough, you have to eat two to be fair to them" "fair to the brownies?" Joseph glanced around but Fletch was back behind the nurses station filling in paperwork and Madini + Nicky talking quietly over a scan. This isn't anything remarkable to them he realised. Soft Jac Naylor with a heart and a smile. You would think he would feel less important now knowing that people have seen sides to her he thought were his, but if anything they are the ones seeing her in a way he doesn't have anymore. Every day, day in day out, the good and the bad.

"Goodbye Joseph" he lifted his head to speak, to catch her eye or something. But she was already walking off, daughter in arms, attention away from him, and the hospital. Her heart was aching like his, she was always just better at surviving and moving forward. 

He's realised why being back at Holby, seeing people he knew, meeting people he didn't was so hard. It's obvious now. They have Jac Naylor. He doesn't.


End file.
